How To Tell If They're An Abuser

Summary

Dr. K describes a common pattern in toxic or abusive relationships: gradual boundary violations and emotional pressure can leave someone confused, feeling responsible for the other person, and struggling to leave. These patterns can occur in romantic relationships, families, or workplaces. They are warning signs to notice—not a diagnosis of someone.

Common stages in the pattern

• Assessment: A person may test whether you’ll tolerate boundary violations, often pairing them with affection or flattering explanations. For example, they may disregard a stated limit while saying they’re doing it because they care.
• Testing: They may do something hurtful, apologize, and see whether the apology allows the behavior to continue. The behavior may escalate over time.
• Trying different emotional tactics: If one approach doesn’t work, they may switch between sadness, anger, guilt, apologies, affection, or passive aggression to see what makes you give in.
• Creating confusion and self-doubt: Mixed signals can make it difficult to trust your judgment or understand what you feel.
• Shifting responsibility onto you: You may start believing it’s your job to prevent the other person’s anger, sadness, or harmful behavior by adjusting your own actions.
• Keeping you invested through good periods: A person may be loving or attentive some of the time and harmful at other times. Hoping that the “good” version will return can make it harder to leave.
• Trying to pull you back in: When you distance yourself, they may use emotional appeals or involve friends, family, or coworkers to pressure you to stay.

Helpful takeaways

• Take repeated boundary violations seriously, even when they’re paired with affection or followed by apologies.
• Notice whether apologies lead to sustained change rather than treating the apology itself as proof that the behavior has been resolved.
• Pay attention to shifting emotional tactics and whether you feel increasingly confused or responsible for someone else’s reactions.
• Work on setting boundaries and communicating clearly. The video also recommends building emotional stability and a stronger sense of self.
• Compassion for someone’s background or struggles does not require accepting harmful behavior or giving up your boundaries.
• If you’re in a relationship that feels unsafe or difficult to leave, consider reaching out to trusted support.

Presenter and sources: Dr. K, psychiatrist and presenter on HealthyGamerGG. The video also mentions Walking on Eggshells and refers to a South Park episode as an illustration.