The "Straight Girl Crush": Why Lesbians Fall for Straight Girls (with Ali Kolbert)

Ali Kolbert on Relationships, Sexuality, and Self-Understanding

Comedian and podcast host Ali Kolbert talks with Mal, host of Made It Out, about her history of falling for women who were unavailable or unsure of their sexuality—and how those relationships affected her.

Early Crushes and Painful Dynamics

Ali says she had crushes on girls from a young age. In high school, she fell for her best friend, whose boyfriend and close friendship with Ali created a confusing, emotionally unequal dynamic. The friendship wore Ali down, and dating someone else changed their bond.

A Recurring Pattern

In college, Ali dated a man despite feeling drawn to women. She later had an intense encounter with a woman who had a boyfriend. Looking back, Ali sees a pattern: she was often attracted to women who were unavailable or exploring their sexuality, and felt a strong ego boost when one chose her.

Ali says charged attraction can come from familiar, painful dynamics and doesn’t necessarily signal compatibility. Pursuing someone who is uncertain or unable to reciprocate can also be a way to avoid the vulnerability of a mutual relationship. She is now working to step away from that pattern.

Labels and Evolving Identity

The hosts discuss how calling women “straight” can oversimplify their identities. Ali says people shouldn’t assume someone else’s sexuality, while acknowledging the confusion that can arise when a person’s actions and self-description seem at odds.

They encourage people exploring their sexuality not to feel pressured to settle immediately on a label or reach a tidy endpoint. Curiosity and changing understandings can be part of the process. Ali adds that approaching sexuality with less shame and fear can make it easier to share with others.

Finding Support and Shared Understanding

Both hosts describe sometimes feeling out of place in queer spaces or straight settings. They encourage finding people who welcome you without requiring you to prove or explain your identity.

Ali says dating her current girlfriend, who is also a lesbian, brings a sense of safety and shared understanding about the life they want. She appreciates not having to wonder whether they both want to be with women.

Therapy, Self-Care, and Relationship Preferences

Mal is working on noticing when she needs solitude before becoming overwhelmed, especially while balancing a relationship and a social life. Ali describes anxious and avoidant tendencies, including worrying that a partner’s love has disappeared when they’re apart. She is working on self-soothing and maintaining a fulfilling life beyond the relationship. Journaling, cold plunges, and lymphatic-drainage massages come up in a lighthearted aside.

In a “U-Haul or you ghost” game, both hosts are positive about a partner who doesn’t use social media or pulls tarot cards. They disagree about chronic lateness: Ali finds it frustrating, while Mal thinks partners should plan around each other’s habits. They also joke about swearing and “fake” substitute curse words.

People and References

The conversation mentions Ali Kolbert, Mal and Made It Out, Ali’s podcast Breaking Down with Ali Kolbert, Los Angeles, Texas, New York, cappuccino, tarot cards, and social media.