Always Angry? Try This Technique Before The Next Blow Up

Key wellness strategies & self-care / emotional regulation tips

• Treat anger as a signal, not just a problem

  • Anger is a normal emotion, but it can become harmful depending on how it’s expressed.
  • Aim to understand what’s underneath the anger instead of only reacting to the trigger.

• Identify whether your anger is adaptive or maladaptive

  • Adaptive anger: helps you remove yourself from negative situations (e.g., distancing from people who hurt you).
  • Maladaptive anger: leads to disproportionate blowups or becomes chronic (always angry/annoyed).

• Use the “anger iceberg” analysis (a structured reflection method)

  • Top of the iceberg (visible part): the triggering situation that sets you off.
  • Middle (hurt + unmet needs): the hurt feelings and unmet needs activated by what happened.
  • Deepest layer (fear): the underlying fear driving the emotional intensity.
  • Ask yourself:
    • What happened on the surface?
    • What hurt or unmet need was activated?
    • What fear is underneath that hurt?

• Recognize common anger patterns tied to vulnerability/avoidance

  • If anger makes you feel exposed, you may suppress it.
  • Suppressed anger can function like avoidance and may contribute to anxiety and depressive feelings.

• Notice aggressive versus proportional responses

  • Anger becomes problematic when your reaction is:
    • Too aggressive (yelling, sharp words, hostile actions)
    • Out of proportion to the trigger (e.g., intense physical feelings from a minor interruption)

• Choose healthier outcomes than escalation

  • Immediate anger expression can sometimes help you purge negative feelings and move on.
  • But if you’re at risk of lashing out, consider de-escalation (implied through reflection and avoiding engagement).

• Shift toward compassionate understanding—without excusing harm

  • Use iceberg thinking to develop empathy for others who blow up repeatedly:
    • Their anger may reflect unresolved needs/hurts.
  • Still, it’s important not to “give them a pass” for attacking others; instead, reduce engagement if their reaction is driven by deeper issues unrelated to the surface problem.

• Follow-through: address hurt/fear directly

  • After identifying the hurt and fear, consider:
    • Having a conversation to express what’s really bothering you (beyond the immediate “money/trigger” issue in the example).
    • Seeking clarity or repair rather than only reacting.

Presenters / sources

• Dr. Tracey Marks (psychiatrist; presenter)
• Dr. Paul Ekman (renowned psychologist; source of the “six basic emotions” concept: fear, surprise, happiness, sadness, disgust, anger)