Robert Bly Lecture: Passion and Purpose in Men and Women (1988)

Main Ideas, Concepts, and Lessons

• Purpose and passion are core, gendered (but related) human principles

  • Robert Bly draws on D.H. Lawrence (from Fantasia of the Unconscious) to argue that men and women have different “center longings.”
  • Men’s center longing = purpose
    • Purpose implies wanting to do something and move outward into the world.
    • Men require a “clean, fierce” direction that engages reality (symbolically aligned with the hunter’s skill and focus).
  • Women’s center longing = feeling
    • When men lack purpose, women tend to fall back toward their center—described as intense, bodily, and love/night-related expression.

• Evolutionary/historical metaphor: hunting vs. enclosure

  • Bly/Lawrence use a deep-time story:
    • For “hundreds of thousands of years,” women and children stayed in an enclosure (cave/circular structure), while
    • Men left like an arrow to hunt.
  • Women’s “genius” in the enclosure
    • Attend to each person’s particular needs without rigid hierarchy (care, compassion, responsiveness to the very old, very young, neurotic, etc.).
  • Men’s social structure in hunting
    • Hierarchy naturally forms (someone at the end makes decisions).
    • Men develop communication and knowledge suited to the hunt.

• Mythic/religious symbolism

  • Women’s internal gods/figures (e.g., Venus-related imagery like the Venus of Willendorf) are described as shaped by enclosure life, both animal and human in character.
  • Cave art is used as a metaphor of deep intimacy with animals—“going into the animal and back.”

• What counts as “purpose” (and what doesn’t)

  • Bly cites Lawrence’s claim that many modern goals are not true purpose, for example:
    • “Beheading of IBM” isn’t purpose (destruction of systems isn’t the real thing).
    • Poisoning people with chemicals isn’t purpose.
  • True purpose is characterized as:
    • Leading into the outer world,
    • Harmonizing with the larger universe,
    • “Fitting with” life/animals in a clean, fierce way.

• Consequences of men lacking purpose

  • Lawrence (as presented by Bly) claims:
    • If men don’t have purpose, women wait—life tends toward substitution and eventual collapse.
    • For men, this leads to tragedy and even “death” in a psychological/spiritual sense.
  • Blame is redirected:
    • It is not portrayed as the woman’s fault; rather, the “burden lies” on the man to hold purpose.

• Sexuality and love-night as a fallback—without being the whole solution

  • If men lack purpose, women compensate through:
    • Intense erotic/bodily involvement (“ecstatic love nights,” involvement in new hunters/sexual creativity).
  • But this is described as a secondary fallback, not a replacement for the man’s outward purpose.

• A key relational dynamic: men fleeing feeling becomes “the fight point”

  • Bly recounts a commune example (late 1960s, Southern Minnesota) where:
    • Men were writers.
    • Women accused them violently/insistently of “fleeing from feeling” by going away to pursue an activity (riding/going upstairs).
    • The men stopped, stayed at the kitchen table for hours, and relationships broke.
  • Takeaway:
    • Women may misread men’s purpose as avoidance of feeling.
  • Bly’s counter-lesson:
    • A man’s purpose should not be treated as mere flight from feeling—purpose and feeling must both be honored.

• Critique of “patriarchy” misunderstanding

  • A discussion is included where some women are outraged that the talk implies “women can’t have purpose.”
  • Bly frames the qualification as:
    • Not “women have no purpose,” but rather differences in center/longing and how those centers express themselves.
    • Gender realities are complicated by personal “gender ground” and by social forces.

• Social/cultural alteration of gender ground (industrial revolution / capitalism critique)

  • Another speaker (Michael, mentioned) provides context:
    • Industrial revolution/capitalism allegedly erodes gender storytelling and grounding.
    • Myth is replaced by media/TV/Disney-like narratives.
    • Result: men and women compete for “little goodies” (e.g., high-paying jobs), producing new envy between genders.
  • This envy is presented as an underlying driver of misunderstanding.

• Masculine/feminine as not strictly “male/female gender”

  • Bly and an audience participant emphasize:
    • A woman can have “warrior”/masculine energy, but it is not the same as a man’s energy.
    • The point is not rigid determinism, but differences in how the energies express.

• Purpose can become a trap if it becomes one-sided

  • The discussion warns against one-pointedness:
    • If purpose becomes the only focus and turns into repetitive “pose” (e.g., constant cleaning/service tasks), it can collapse.
  • Metaphor:
    • Over-structured “purpose” can force a person into servitude-like, spun-out roles (“in women’s clothes spinning for the queen”).
  • Implied goal:
    • A rhythmic union/balance is needed—especially the rhythm of:
      • Going out to purpose, then
      • Returning to the night/feeling and the women’s domain.

• The “kitchen table” moment and the emotional pause

  • A repeated emphasis is on a turning point:
    • There is a crucial moment at the kitchen table where one could stay for another cup of coffee—i.e., surrendering the “going out” component of purpose.
  • This leads to resentment/rage:
    • Often rage against women is actually rage against one’s own avoidance and inhibition.

• Fear and return

  • One participant notes:
    • When a man leaves for purpose, the woman may fear he won’t come back or will be lost to purpose.
    • When he returns filled with purpose:
      • He comes open, ready for love-making,
      • Her fear subsides,
      • Love and connection improve.

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Methodology / Instructional Elements (Implicit Guidance from the Discussion)

• Men: hold purpose as a sacred responsibility

  • Do not reduce purpose to avoidance of feeling.
  • Do not rely on the woman to provide what purpose should provide.
  • Build an outward direction that aligns with life/larger universe—not destructive or empty goals.
  • Practice the rhythm: go out to purpose → return to night/feeling.

• Women: honor feeling while not mislabeling purpose as fleeing

  • When men pursue purpose, interpret it accurately rather than assuming it is cowardice/escape from feeling.
  • Maintain the capacity for conversation/revelation as part of feeling life—without replacing the man’s responsibility for purpose.

• Relationship practice: avoid resentment loops

  • If men avoid purpose (e.g., “three hours” sitting at the kitchen table), resentment may build.
  • Recognize that anger at the partner may be self-directed rage about one’s own failure to act.

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Speakers / Sources Featured (Identified)

• Robert Bly (lecturer; narrator in the subtitles)
• D.H. Lawrence (Fantasia of the Unconscious; plus references such as Carmen)
• John (audience participant who discussed outrage/qualifications)
• Michael (speaker who discussed gender, industrial revolution/capitalism, and “gender ground,” and mentioned/used material attributed to “even Ilot”)
• Unnamed “biologist” (mentioned as “this wonderful biologist” regarding survival of animal interiors vs shells and geological history)
• Unnamed wife (referred to in an example by a participant)