I don’t understand what we are living for

Summary

Connor Flannery reflects on how his sense of purpose changed over time. As a teenager and young adult, he built detailed plans around conventional markers of success and the goals of people around him. Structure, social status, and a desire to impress others motivated him to work hard and build a business. After college, that structure and audience faded. He kept working largely on autopilot and began questioning what he was working for.

He describes this uncertainty as an opportunity to reconsider what genuinely matters to him, rather than relying on goals inherited from others. His experience suggests that purpose and well-being may depend not on a single pursuit, but on finding a sustainable balance among meaningful activities and relationships.

Strategies and reflections

• Look back for patterns: Recall periods when you felt fulfilled, happy, or emotionally steady. Consider which activities, relationships, and circumstances were present.
• Distinguish lasting value from novelty: A new experience may feel meaningful because it is exciting. Consider whether it would still matter if it became part of everyday life.
• Consider both intensity and proportion: Activities can be helpful in moderation but draining when they take over. Flannery compares this to seasoning food: the right amount matters.
• Notice interconnected needs: One part of life may support another. For Flannery, social interaction helped restore his enthusiasm for work, even though he also needs solitude and time for personal projects.
• Question borrowed goals: Don’t assume you want something simply because other people value it. Examine major desires, consider alternatives, and play “devil’s advocate.”
• Make room for connection: Spending time with friends, family, and new people has been important to Flannery’s well-being, despite his tendency to stay home.
• Seek varied experiences—and share them: Flannery enjoys trying new things and visiting new places, and says these experiences are often more enjoyable with someone else.
• Treat work as one meaningful part of life: He still enjoys the “game” of business, but sees it as a source of resources and flexibility for relationships and other priorities—not as his sole reason for living.
• Consider what matters at different life stages: A mentor advised him to do things in his 20s that he genuinely wants to do then, since interests and opportunities may change.
• Keep reassessing: Flannery says he has made progress toward a better balance, but is still working out what he wants.

Presenters and sources mentioned

• Presenter: Connor Flannery
• René Girard: Philosopher associated with mimetic desire—the idea that people may want things partly because others want them.
• Friedrich Nietzsche: Referenced through a thought experiment about whether you would welcome or dread living the same day repeatedly.
• Flannery’s mentor: Described as a former Marine and businessman; his name is not given.
• Warren Buffett: Mentioned in connection with a remark about delaying sex until age 70; the subtitle’s wording is unclear.
• Other sources: Flannery’s parents and other parents, whose experiences informed his thoughts about spending time with children, as well as research literature on human reproduction and biology.