When They Take the Abuser’s Side - Childhood Trauma Work

Summary

Patrick Teahan discusses the pain and confusion that can follow when a parent or family member sides with an abuser instead of protecting or believing their child. This can happen in childhood or adulthood. He opens by affirming survivors: “I believe you.”

Examples include being told to apologize to an aggressor, being accused of lying, having a parent play “devil’s advocate,” or seeing a parent maintain contact with someone who has behaved abusively. The betrayal can also be more subtle: a parent may avoid confrontation, pressure the child to reconcile, or adopt a new partner’s hostility toward them.

These experiences can lead to shame, anxiety, dissociation, self-doubt, feeling abandoned, or giving in to keep the peace. They may also affect later relationships and situations—for example, making it especially upsetting when a partner or boss fails to address unfair or harmful behavior. Teahan notes that past trauma can intensify reactions to present problems, even when those present problems are real.

He describes parental betrayal as occurring on a spectrum: some parents withdraw or comply to avoid conflict, while others actively shame or scapegoat their child. Possible contributing factors include a parent’s unresolved trauma, codependency, substance use, lack of empathy, or established family roles. Naming these dynamics can reduce confusion and self-blame; it does not require survivors to excuse or accept the parent’s behavior.

Strategies for Processing and Self-Protection

• Reframe the experience: Shift from “Maybe they were right about me” to “Look at what was done to me.” Focus on the adults’ choices and responsibilities rather than blaming the child.
• Notice triggers: Identify when a current conflict may be amplified by earlier experiences of not being believed or protected. Take sides when protection is needed, but avoid seeking support from relatives who repeatedly show they are unwilling to provide it.
• Seek a reality-checking support person: Consider a therapist, trusted friend, peer, or survivor community. Teahan stresses that support is especially important when processing painful experiences.
• Try a supported letter exercise: Write a three-to-five-page letter to the abusive parent describing what happened, then read it aloud to an empty chair while imagining the parent there. A supportive witness can listen and respond to the impact of the letter. Teahan advises against doing this exercise alone.
• Use journaling prompts:
  • List past or present situations in which family members sided with an abuser.
  • Reflect on what your inner child believed was happening in each situation.
  • From your adult perspective, write what a healthy parent would have done and what the situation reveals about the parenting you received.
• Protect yourself and your inner child: Recognize repeated betrayal as a reason to set boundaries or emotionally disengage, rather than continuing to seek protection from family members who remain indifferent or harmful.

Teahan closes by encouraging survivors to find a healthy sounding board and to treat confusion and self-doubt as understandable responses to family betrayal.

Presenters and Sources

• Patrick Teahan — presenter.
• Amanda Curtin — mentor cited by Teahan for the phrase “having your emotional day in court” in therapy.