Body Language Expert Explains Why People Dislike You

Summary

Communication and connection are skills that can be practiced, even if someone is naturally shy or awkward. Vanessa Van Edwards argues that stronger communication can improve relationships, friendships, work, and social support. The conversation’s central wellness message is to make room for meaningful relationships rather than letting busyness, routines, or screen-based activity crowd them out.

Practical strategies for connection and communication

• Clarify what you value in friendships. Think about what frustrates you in past or current friendships, and what helps you feel calm, supported, and yourself. Values might include honesty, depth, respect, or personal responsibility.
• Show that you like people. Say when you find someone interesting, funny, or enjoyable to be around. Warmth can also come through smiling, nodding, leaning in, and laughing when something genuinely amuses you.
• Build on conversational “threads.” When someone mentions something you relate to, acknowledge the shared interest and ask a follow-up. Shared moments can create a sense of belonging, but avoid turning the conversation into a story about yourself.
• Don’t shut down a conversation. If you dislike an activity or can’t answer a question directly, add context or offer an alternative rather than ending with a flat “I don’t do that.” Ask open-ended questions that invite stories, such as what someone loves about a place.
• Break the conversational script. Instead of relying on routine greetings, try a distinctive opener or ask a positive, specific question, such as “What have you been looking forward to?”
• Make a second impression personal. Show that you remember and value the previous interaction. For example, say you enjoyed the last conversation or were looking forward to meeting again.
• Prioritize real-world connection. The speakers caution that excessive busyness, elaborate routines, and too many dating choices can get in the way of relationships. Make time for promising connections, and don’t treat a checklist as a substitute for noticing how you feel with someone.
• If socializing feels difficult, start with an activity. Choose something you genuinely enjoy and meet people through it, so the activity itself provides motivation and conversation.
• Set a purpose for networking. A specific goal—such as testing a question, finding an idea, or learning about a topic—can make networking events feel more manageable.

First impressions and body language

• Put your phone away when meeting someone. Looking down can make you appear closed off or disengaged, and first impressions begin as soon as someone sees you.
• Use the “triple threat.” Keep your hands visible, make comfortable eye contact, and use an open posture that takes up a natural amount of space.
• Balance warmth with competence. A head tilt, visible hands, and a genuine smile can suggest warmth; clothing and other cues can help communicate professionalism. Choose the balance that fits the impression you want to make.
• Aim for comfortable, not constant, eye contact. Vanessa suggests roughly 60–70% in many Western settings, while noting that norms vary. Looking away while thinking can seem natural; reconnecting visually at the end of a point can help emphasize it.
• On video calls, prepare before the camera turns on. Position the camera near eye level, face it, greet people warmly, and have a question or brief anecdote ready. Keep your face and camera close together so you can alternate attention between the screen and lens.
• Make online profiles distinctive but authentic. Small choices in a photo can change how people perceive you. Vanessa advises against sunglasses in profile pictures because they hide the eyes, and recommends selecting cues that reflect the qualities you want to convey.
• Keep a “story toolbox.” Save short anecdotes or interesting facts for predictable topics such as where you’re from, the weather, or traffic. These can help move small talk into a more engaging conversation.
• Make introductions easy to follow up on. Instead of only stating a job title, explain who you help or what you enjoy about the work, then add a specific example, project, or interest.

Self-care and social habits

• Treat connection as part of well-being. Vanessa presents friendships and supportive relationships as important sources of belonging and resilience, and warns against repeatedly putting them last.
• Consider a temporary mirror challenge. Vanessa describes going 30 days without looking in a mirror as a way to test whether confidence and social acceptance depend on appearance. This is presented as her personal challenge, not as a medical recommendation.
• Consider a social-media or phone blackout. Vanessa suggests taking a break from online interaction and seeking in-person activities instead. She shares that doing so during travel led her to meet more people.
• Choose settings where you feel comfortable. The speakers argue that discomfort can show in body language and tone. Rather than trying to fake enthusiasm, seek activities and environments that suit you.

Personality, work, and communication

Vanessa discusses the Big Five personality traits—openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—as dimensions that vary between people. She says traits are partly heritable, but that people can still make purposeful changes.

Understanding personality differences may help with relationships and team roles. For example, someone who enjoys novelty may work well alongside a detail-oriented person, while highly agreeable people may need support setting boundaries.

For leaders, Vanessa recommends being clear about who you help and why. A concise explanation with a useful detail or story gives others something to ask about and makes the purpose of your work easier to understand. She also suggests using words that set the tone you want—such as “team,” “collaboration,” or “looking forward to”—and practicing communication by studying skilled speakers or channeling a role model.

Reading expressions

Vanessa describes facial expressions associated with fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, and contempt. Her practical advice is to use visible reactions as prompts to check in—for example, clarify whether someone is confused or uncomfortable—rather than assuming you know what they feel. The discussion also cautions that context matters: an expression alone does not establish someone’s intentions or prove they are lying.

Presenters and sources

• Vanessa Van Edwards — guest; communication educator and author.
• Steven Bartlett — host of The Diary of a CEO.
• Sources and research discussed: Big Five/OCEAN personality research; research on first impressions and digital profiles (Simine Vazire was mentioned tentatively); Dr. John Gottman’s work on contempt in couples; and studies discussed on eye contact, facial expressions, social connection, and behavior. The subtitles do not identify researchers for most of these studies.