How to Build Confidence in Your Kids | Dr. Becky Kennedy & Dr. Andrew Huberman

Key wellness / parenting / confidence strategies discussed

• Validate without surrendering control

  • When kids resist (e.g., “I don’t like their kids—can I stay home?”), parents can validate the emotion while still maintaining limits and plans.
  • Core idea:
    • Boundaries don’t dictate feelings
    • Feelings shouldn’t dictate boundaries

• Use “family jobs” to set a clear framework

  • Parents describe their role as:
    • Setting boundaries
    • Making key family decisions
    • Validating children’s experience
  • This helps prevent a child’s feelings from becoming the decision-maker while still honoring the child’s inner world.

• Use the phrase “I believe you”

  • “I believe you” is presented as confidence-building because it communicates:
    • Your inner experience is real
    • You can trust your feelings
  • Confidence is framed as self-trust, not “feeling good.”

• Hold hope as the adult (don’t take the bait)

  • After validating, the parent’s job is to signal coping capacity, such as:
    • “I know you’re going to get through it.”
  • Parents should remain the adult and not get pulled into arguments/defensiveness.

• Avoid two common extremes

  • Don’t leave kids with only:
    1. “Fine, stay home.” (kid’s feelings decide)
    2. “You’re selfish… you’re coming anyway.” (parent gets mad; boundaries used as hostility)
  • The “sweet spot” is: validate + maintain the plan.

• Offer hope-based guidance instead of threats or bribes

  • The clip contrasts:
    • Dangled external rewards (e.g., “extra Roblox minutes”)—as potentially dictating
    • vs. rewards that come from self-capability and pride
  • Best “reward” described: the child realizes, “I can do this.”
  • Example given: getting through a hard puzzle/social moment, regulating with support, then succeeding.

• Clarify language: “I believe you” vs “I hear you”

  • “I hear you” is discussed as more about listening.
  • “I believe you” is described as more confidence-building because it conveys being believed/seen as real.
  • “But…” is noted as a linguistic pattern that can invalidate what came before (e.g., “I hear you, but…”).

• Confidence-building response to hurt experiences

  • When kids say things like being picked last in gym class:
    • Avoid minimizing (e.g., “No big deal,” “That didn’t happen,” etc.) if it contradicts their lived experience.
    • Instead respond with empathy + belief, such as:
      • “I believe you. I can tell that was really hard. I’m glad you told me.”
  • This is described as reducing emotional intensity and helping kids feel safer with their feelings.

Presenters / sources

• Dr. Becky Kennedy
• Dr. Andrew Huberman
• Huberman Lab Clips channel (video source)