What people say when they don't know what to say | Adrianne Haslet-Davis | TEDxBeaconStreet

Summary

Adrianne Haslet-Davis recounts the morning of April 15, 2013—returning home after a life period marked by her husband’s deployment in Afghanistan—when she and her husband were celebrating his safe return and watching the Boston Marathon. While they go to watch the race, an explosion occurs. She describes being severely injured (including losing her foot and later undergoing extensive medical repair) and also describes her husband being wounded by shrapnel.

From there, Haslet-Davis reflects on what people say and do after trauma. She challenges the idea that awkward, hurtful, or overly optimistic comments always come purely from love. While she was taught that well-meaning words come from care, she argues that many such statements instead come from fear of the truth—fear that leads people to try to “make the pain go away” with false reassurance, superficial optimism, or social politeness.

She provides examples of remarks made in hospitals and by acquaintances, including comments about appearance, discouraging predictions about her ability to dance again, and an insensitive anecdote about “how much it costs” to amputate. She emphasizes that, in vulnerable moments, words can stay with someone for a very long time.

The “Guidebook” for Supporting People After Trauma

To help others respond more effectively, Haslet-Davis offers a “guidebook” for supporting people facing unimaginable circumstances:

• Take the temperature of the room: match the emotional setting—join laughter if that’s what they’re doing, share silence if that’s where the moment is.
• Be present instead of performing: don’t rely on rushed “googled” information or religious explanations; simply be there as a friend.
• Understand grief stages after limb loss (and connect them to other types of loss): shock/denial, anger, depression, pleading, repeated cycles, and eventual acceptance and helping others.
• Accept and provide practical help at the right time: she describes being unable (until she was ready) to accept guidance and resources, and later finding a brochure that helped her and her husband understand what she was going through.

Examples of Support That Helped

She highlights examples of support that genuinely helped:

• A friend brings pizza after noting she missed a favorite TV dance show.
• Someone drops off her exact Starbucks order without her having to explain what she needs.
• Comfort can be specific and nonverbal—bringing items that match the person’s routines, hobbies, pets, or “creature comforts”—and support doesn’t have to be heroic or talk-heavy.

Closing Message

Her closing message stresses giving permission to show up without needing perfect words: just be there, hold their hand, and—if speaking—use sincere, grounded language, like her husband’s line: he doesn’t understand, but it matters to him to tell her how urgently he wants to.

Presenters or Contributors

• Adrianne Haslet-Davis (speaker)
• Transcriber: Kaitlyn Kui
• Reviewer: Denise RQ