„Ich habe Liebe gesucht und mich selbst verloren“

Overview

The video is an extended interview with Katja about how childhood trauma and fear of abandonment shaped a lifelong pattern of seeking love through relationships—while using alcohol, and later gambling, to cope. She describes a cycle of emotional pain, dependency, and self-erasure, followed by a gradual return to faith and eventual sobriety.

Key points and narrative arc

• Searching for love leads to self-loss: Katja says she “flits” between relationships to avoid being abandoned and to feel closeness (including physical affection like hugging and being held). She frames this as giving up herself to keep others from leaving.

• Sexual “clubs” and self-destruction: She recounts going with her husband to swingers clubs, describing them as structured “play areas” where people act out sexual desires. She states it was “awful” for her and that her participation was driven by fear of abandonment and the need to preserve the relationship—rather than desire or consent from an empowered place.

• Origin in childhood loss and loneliness (age 7): Her father dies suddenly in front of her (heart attack with severe bleeding). She is sent to her cousin’s home for five days with the door closed; she describes being completely alone with her emotions and images in her head. She considers this moment foundational to her later fear and attachment patterns.

• Violence and emotional instability at home: After her father’s death, Katja describes a difficult relationship with her mother—less closeness, fear of not being “enough,” and increasing physical violence. To cope, she hid under beds or in bathrooms. She also remembers how others did not acknowledge the abuse, and she covered bruises by wearing long sleeves.

• Immigration and social humiliation (around age 14): Moving from Kazakhstan to Germany brought new insecurity: bullying or ridicule, shame about her German language skills, and cheap clothing. She finds partial safety and belonging in church.

• Church as a “home,” then leaving it: She says church felt like genuine acceptance and safety. Later she leaves because she wanted acceptance “in the world” too, and believes she wanted to prove she could be capable beyond church.

• Alcohol begins as coping (mid-teens/after leaving church): Katja links the start of her drinking to leaving church. She describes alcohol as numbing pain and also as her “best friend.”

• First marriage: supportive yet rapid life changes: With Eugen, she initially feels safe. She says he openly addressed her alcohol problem and encouraged her to better herself (including urging evening classes). But pregnancy and fast life progression strain the relationship. She admits becoming physically violent toward Eugen during pregnancy—describing pent-up anger and a loss of coping outlets when she quit alcohol (voluntarily).

• Pattern continues: multiple relationships + alcohol + gambling: After leaving Eugen, Katja describes a repeating cycle: new partners quickly, ongoing drinking, and later gambling addiction. She identifies gambling arcades as a refuge that becomes a “vicious cycle,” losing large sums over roughly a decade.

• Turning point for gambling (miraculous cessation): After years of being stuck, she recounts a night prayer to God:

  “I can’t take it anymore, get me out of here.” The next morning, she says she had no urge to gamble at all—describing it as sudden and “supernatural.” She later notes the feeling briefly faded at first, but then it truly ended.

• Escalation of violence and loss of child: With Oleg (who drinks more and more), Katja describes a worsening home environment she compares to a battlefield. Eventually she calls Eugen for help taking their child. She then loses custody—through court/youth welfare actions—after which she says she initially couldn’t get her child back. The emotional collapse that followed led to heavier drinking.

• Second major turning point (sobriety after dream/encounter with God): In 2022, she describes intense heart pains and panic, fearing death like her father. She prays for freedom and, in a dream-like vision, receives instructions to see a doctor and disclose her addiction. She says she went to the doctor the same day, got referred to addiction counseling, and then experienced a state where she did not feel the need to drink—despite bottles still being in the apartment because her husband continued drinking.

• Recovery through therapy + faith: She attends addiction counseling/therapy while continuing to work (no inpatient clinic). She describes therapy as helping her understand her longing and trauma patterns through Bible-based meaning (“I am valuable,” “a beloved daughter of God”), while learning boundaries, self-awareness, and coping without numbness.

• Relationship with her mother changes: Katja says her mother now lives with her for caregiving needs. She claims her perspective shifted—she can forgive her mother, seeing her through “God’s eyes,” while also acknowledging the abuse was not justified.

• Present self and concept of freedom: She defines freedom as being able to live genuinely, be alone without numbing, enjoy life, and accept herself. She says she can even vacation alone and is “always fine anyway,” even when days are difficult.

• Message to herself (and audience): She tells her younger self to let go, pray, open the Bible for truth, and remember that identity is not defined by the bottle.

Overall thesis

Katja frames her addictions (alcohol, then gambling) and destructive relationship patterns as coping mechanisms for deep abandonment fears and trauma—especially tied to her father’s death, isolation, abuse, and lack of secure attachment. She presents her recovery as combining faith (prayer, God-centered transformation) with professional therapy, leading to sobriety, renewed boundaries, and the ability to connect with herself and her faith community again.

Presenters / contributors

• Katja — interviewee
• Interview host / moderator — unnamed narrator asking questions