14 - Godly Communication - Part 1 - (Pastor Brad Bigney)

Main ideas / lessons

• Christian life change is not automatic.

  • Believers must actively put off old ways and put on new ways.
  • Real change happens by renewing the mind with what God says, not just following feelings or thoughts.
  • Salvation is by grace through faith (not earned), but people often mistakenly think “do nothing” equals change. Instead, believers must lay hold of God’s word and practice it by God’s grace and power.

• Godly communication begins with the “mouth,” but the real battle is the “heart.”

  • Paul’s change list starts with changing speech because words have power to give life or destroy.
  • God is described as a “word God” who communicates with words, and humans are made in His image as communicators.
  • Words are a stewardship: people will be accountable for how they use them (careless words matter).

• Words reveal what is already inside.

  • The core principle is: “out of the overflow/abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
  • Therefore, you cannot truly speak truth/helpfully to others while ignoring your own heart.
  • An unexamined heart produces unhelpful words repeatedly.

• Four rules of godly communication are promised from Ephesians 4:25ff (this message covers rules 1 and 2, and partially lays groundwork for rule 3).

  1. Be honest
  2. Speak the truth
  3. Speak the truth in love
  4. Stay current (avoid letting issues pile up)

• Communication is a relationship-forming “conversation.”

  • The speaker emphasizes that not talking over time is usually not truly loving; it can become avoidance and may hide unwillingness to love.
  • Examples are used (marriage and neighbor interactions) to argue that conversation keeps connection alive.
  • It also applies spiritually: reading/praying is “conversation” with God.

• Avoid common communication traps.

  • Do not speak falsely or mask motives.
  • Avoid absolute words like “always” and “never” because they escalate defensiveness and shut down listening.
  • Avoid blurting out negative feelings for temporary relief; instead, process through God/journaling and then speak wisely when appropriate.

• Don’t let anger and issues pile up—address them quickly.

  • The passage instructs: “Be angry and do not sin…” and “do not let the sun go down on your wrath.”
  • It also says “give no opportunity to the devil.”
  • Waiting allows:
    • emotions to edit reality into a self-serving narrative
    • problems to worsen
    • Satan to bring slander/accusation/confusion
  • If you avoid talking to the person, you often talk about them—feeding slander and escalation.

• Hope and spiritual foundation

  • True control over words ultimately comes from having Christ (“the living word”) living in you and empowering you by His Spirit and Word.
  • The message ends with a call to salvation and dependence on grace for transformation of speech.

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Instructional / methodology breakdown (from the message)

A) Change process for communication (heart → mouth)

• Start with your heart (before working on words):

  • Ask God: “What is controlling my heart?”
  • Don’t trust the first thought—ask what’s really underneath.
  • Invite others (e.g., biblical counselors) to help you see what you might not see.
  • Repent if motives/heart idols are driving conflict.

• Then work on your mouth (after heart examination):

  • Choose to control speech as an act of obedience and love.
  • Practice the communication rules drawn from Ephesians 4.

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B) “Four rules” of godly communication (Ephesians 4:25–27, plus related emphasis)

1. Be honest

   • Put away falsehood
   • Speak truth (not lies, exaggerations, or deceptive framing)

2. Speak the truth

   • Don’t play games
   • Don’t mask messages or hide agendas
   • Avoid “verbal warfare” phrasing:
     • eliminate or restrict words like “always” and “never”
   • Caution: honesty is not “tell everything you feel at peak intensity”
     • expressing feelings at the wrong time can cause damage (the “verbal vomit” idea)
     • healthier outlet: journal and/or pray to God for perspective

3. Speak the truth in love

   • Tone matters as much as content:
     • volume, tone, and facial expression affect what is heard
   • Use grace and salt (graciousness that helps the listener receive hard truth)
   • Aim to communicate in a way that builds rather than brutalizes

4. Stay current (don’t let problems pile up)

   • Address conflict sooner rather than later
   • Follow the principle of not letting anger fester:
     • don’t let the sun go down on wrath
   • Waiting leads to:
     • worse misunderstandings
     • emotions rewriting the story
     • Satan gaining opportunity through slander/confusion
   • If you don’t talk directly, you may begin talking about the person—avoid that pattern

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Speakers / sources featured (at end)

• Speaker: Pastor Brad Bigney

• Scripture sources referenced:

  • Ephesians 4 (esp. 4:25–27)
  • Matthew 12:36
  • Matthew 12:34
  • James 3 (suggested reading)
  • James 4
  • Colossians 4:6
  • 1 Peter 4:8
  • John 1 (the “Word” / Jesus emphasis)

• Authors / secondary resources mentioned:

  • Stuart Scott — Communication and Conflict Resolution booklet
  • Steve Hop — Talking as Teammates (31-day devotional)
  • Leslie Vernick (quote about honesty vs. “letting it all hang out”)
  • David Palison (quote about couples locked in hostility and reckoning with motives)
  • Susan Fierce — quote about progress/life succeeding “then suddenly, one conversation at a time” (as cited)

• Individuals mentioned as examples within the talk:

  • Vicki (speaker’s spouse)