How not to take things personally? | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen

Key wellness strategies & self-care / productivity takeaways

Don’t personalize others’ behavior

When something triggers you (e.g., someone looks at a phone during your talk, honks/flashes behind you, a friend cancels last minute), default to:

“It’s not about me.”

Practice shifting your focus from “me” to “we” by asking:

• What might be going on for them?
• What intention could explain their behavior? (e.g., urgent message, different priorities, taking notes, in a hurry, not actually judging you)

Use a “two-strategy” mental model (coin toss)

Think in terms of two possible paths:

• Heads: “It’s not about me”

  • Look for the other person’s intention
  • Replace irritation with understanding

• Tails: “It is about me”

  • If the first strategy doesn’t work, treat it as a cue to self-reflect:

    • What raw nerve did it hit? (often linked to insecurity, self-doubt, or unmet needs)

    • What part of you is craving recognition or feels unsafe?

Build “empathy + communication” when it’s about you

• Give yourself empathy for why it hurts (the trigger may connect to earlier experiences, e.g., feeling not “good enough”)

• Speak up without blaming:

  • Share what’s happening internally, e.g.: “When you walk away, it feels like you don’t care about my story.”

  • Vulnerability increases the chance the other person understands your needs and adjusts.

Train your brain intentionally (mental warm-up)

The emphasis: your brain generates many thoughts, and most can be negative—so you need discipline and training.

Before challenging situations, he practices:

• Mental pep talk / rehearsal (e.g., “Don’t take it personally—this will trigger you; they want to be right; keep your focus.”)

• Regular weekly practice (about 1.5 hours/week in his case) to improve automatic responses.

Reframe the goal: choose happiness over being right

• Personalization fuels “ego battles.”
• Ask yourself:
  • “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?”
• Let go of the urge to win the emotional argument to improve harmony and connection.

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Step-by-step to apply in real life (from the talk)

1. Trigger happens → pause
2. Ask which side of the coin applies:
   • If you can find a reasonable intention: “It’s not about me.”
   • If you still feel hit: “It is about me.”
3. If it’s about you:
   • Empathize with your trigger
   • Communicate needs clearly (vulnerably, without blame)
4. Afterward: notice whether your relationships improve.

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Presenters / sources

• Frederik Imbo (speaker)
• TEDxMechelen (event / context)
• Subtitles/credits: Transcriber María Constanza Cuevas; Reviewer Tanya Cushman.