How to Flirt So He Can’t Stop Thinking About You | Vanessa Van Edwards

Summary

Vanessa Van Edwards explains how to recognize different flirting styles and communicate interest more clearly. Her central advice is to understand your natural style, stay genuine, and make your interest—or your boundaries—easy to read.

The five flirting styles

• Traditional: One person, usually the man in the examples discussed, takes the lead while the other is more reserved. Vanessa says clear signals can help reduce uncertainty. She cites research suggesting that a few glances may not be enough, and recommends orienting your body toward someone, making eye contact, and smiling.
• Physical: Flirting through touch and closeness. This can create connection when both people welcome it, but people should communicate if they want to move more slowly. A direct, warm boundary such as “I’m having fun, but I’d like to take it slowly” is appropriate.
• Sincere: Building rapport through meaningful conversation and mutual self-disclosure. Share something personal, show curiosity, and make space for the other person to respond in kind.
• Polite: A more formal, measured style that can be mistaken for disinterest. If you’re interested, offer clear encouragement—such as saying you had fun or suggesting another date.
• Playful: Using teasing, witty banter, and light challenges. It can make flirting feel lower-risk, but humor should not replace genuine communication if you want a deeper connection.

Van Edwards says people may use more than one style, but sincere flirting was the strongest predictor of long-term relationship success in the research she discusses. She recommends starting with your natural style and shifting toward more sincere conversation when it feels comfortable.

Practical ways to signal interest and build connection

• Use “push-pull” thoughtfully: Van Edwards describes attraction as a mix of excitement and connection. Playful banter can create excitement, while eye contact, appropriate touch, and openness can build closeness. These should be mutual and welcome.
• Show genuine enthusiasm: Make a list of activities you feel good at and topics that make you animated. Passion and authentic engagement can make conversation more compelling than relying on rehearsed lines.
• Choose dates that involve doing something together: A class, cooking activity, or other shared experience can make it easier to talk, laugh, and interact than a formal dinner alone.
• Let yourself be imperfect: Humor and small moments of vulnerability can help you seem more relaxed and approachable. Avoid trying to perform a flawless persona.
• Pay attention to scent, but don’t over-rely on it: Van Edwards discusses research on scent preferences and gives examples such as vanilla, cinnamon, and food-related smells. Her practical point is to meet in person when possible and choose a scent you enjoy and feel confident wearing.
• Use warmth and clear nonverbal cues: An inviting tone, open posture, and responsive facial expressions can communicate interest. Makeup or red lipstick is optional; comfort and approachability matter more than following a beauty rule.
• Be present: Headphones, especially AirPods, may signal that you don’t want to be approached. Putting your phone away during conversation also helps show attention.
• Don’t over-script dates: Prepare if it helps, but answer honestly rather than rehearsing every response. If a topic feels uncomfortable, say so and suggest returning to it later.
• Be attentive to boundaries and comfort: Flirting should not require unwanted touch or pressure. Say what pace feels right, and respect the other person’s signals too.

Van Edwards also notes that limited facial expression—whether from Botox, fillers, or other factors—might be misread as coldness. She suggests using words to communicate empathy clearly if your expressions don’t show what you feel.

Presenters and sources

• Vanessa Van Edwards — body-language expert and guest; author of Captivate
• Lisa Bilyeu — host and interviewer
• Dr. Monica Moore — researcher cited for findings about flirtatious glances
• Unspecified studies and research — discussed by Van Edwards on flirting styles, attraction, scent, and facial expression