Video summary

your compliments are boring, try this instead...

Main summary

Key takeaways

Wellness and Self-Improvement

Key wellness / self-care / communication strategies (what to do instead of generic praise)

Understand why most praise backfires

  • Generic praise is often delivered as a judgment (“you are great/beautiful”).
  • That can make the other person doubt your intentions or feel pressure to perform once the praise fades.

Use a Nonviolent Communication (NVC)-style praise formula

  1. Before praising, ask: “How has my life been enriched by this person?”
  2. Structure the compliment in three parts:
    • What they did (specific action)
    • What you feel (genuine emotion you experienced)
    • What need of yours was met (the underlying human need)

Make compliments concrete (avoid vague labels)

Replace vague praise with specifics, for example:

  • Instead of: “You’re so helpful” Try: “You gave me a lift to work this morning; I felt relieved because I really didn’t want to be late.”

  • Instead of: “You’re so caring” Try: “You came to visit me when I was ill; I felt loved and cared for because I had been feeling lonely.”

General rule: Specifics reduce awkwardness and misinterpretation.

Don’t praise to manipulate or extract something

  • Healthy praise celebrates someone without expecting a payoff.
  • If your compliment has an agenda (“so they’ll do X to please you”), it becomes manipulative and creates a pressure loop.

Use praise that supports humility

  • Some Sufi Muslims praise by referencing “the God in you” (or a higher force), which:
    • avoids putting the full spotlight on the person
    • helps them stay comfortable and humble

Mindset shift to make praise feel safe

  • “Frank” culture can come from assuming you’re right, leaning on superiority, and feeling ego inflation isn’t needed.
  • A more supportive alternative:
    • politeness
    • recognizing psychological complexity
    • seeing people as different
    • remembering everyone is fragile/self-doubting
  • Result: praise becomes respite from self-doubt and depression, not a performance test.

If someone doubts they deserve praise (or fears it)

  • Use praise through the NVC framework so they can trust:
    • you’re describing their impact
    • your positive response is tied to clear actions, not arbitrary “you are X” judgments

Advanced tip: praise the effort, not just the outcome

  • Focus on effort, process, and willingness—not only achievements.
  • This is often more sustainable and supportive.

Bonus “playful and dangerous” social advice

  • Be disciplined (use specifics/structure).
  • Be playful/daring (challenge vague praise; be direct and honest in a warm way).

Example dialogue (how to correct vague praise)

When receiving vague praise, ask for clarification in layers:

  • What did I do/say?
  • How did it make you feel?
  • What need of yours was met?

Point: turn vague praise into specific, meaningful information so it’s enjoyable and believable.

Presenters / sources

  • Marshall B. Rosenberg (author of Nonviolent Communication)
  • Sufi Muslims (example practice for praising with humility)

Original video