The biggest sign you're a lesbian (NOT bisexual)

Summary

Nadia Bokody discusses how to distinguish attraction to men from pressure to seek men’s approval. Drawing on her experience of identifying as bisexual before realizing she was a lesbian, she argues that fairy tales, media, and everyday expectations often teach women to center men and treat heterosexuality as the default. As a result, women may mistake wanting to be chosen or considered attractive by men for actually desiring them.

She describes compulsory heterosexuality (“comphet”) as a social framework that can lead people to dismiss attraction to women as a “girl crush” or experimentation, while interpreting ordinary warmth toward men as romantic or sexual interest. She also notes that someone’s appearance or gender expression does not determine their sexuality.

Reflection Exercise

Bokody suggests reflecting on intimate experiences with men:

• Were you mentally present and engaged? Did you want to remember or repeat the experience?
• Or were you on “autopilot”—distracted, numb, bored, or mainly waiting for it to end?
• If applicable, how did those feelings compare with experiences involving women?

She cautions against treating orgasm as proof of attraction, noting that a physical response alone does not establish sexual identity. Instead, she encourages people to focus on their own desire rather than on whether men find them attractive or whether they fit social expectations.

Bokody says this exercise helped her recognize a contrast between her experiences with men and women. She presents it as a personal reflection tool, not a definitive test for everyone.

She also comments on gendered expectations in relationships, including the unequal domestic and emotional workload women may take on. She promotes her workbook, Authentic Attraction, as a resource for exploring sexuality and social conditioning.

Presenters and Sources

• Nadia Bokody — Presenter and source of the personal experiences and advice in the video.
• Authentic Attraction — Workbook mentioned by Bokody. No other specific research sources are named in the subtitles.