How to Raise a Confident Kid | Dr. Becky

Key Wellness / Parenting Strategies for Raising Confidence (Dr. Becky)

Redefine “confidence” (don’t equate it with feeling good)

• Confidence isn’t “always being comfortable.”
• Confidence is trusting yourself while uncomfortable and feeling you have the right to be yourself across many situations—including failure, rejection, mistakes, and disappointment.
• Avoid building a fragile kind of confidence that only works when life feels easy.

Stop the reflex to remove difficulty too fast

• Frequent “quick fixes” can teach kids that problems require outside rescuing.
• Instead of instantly changing the situation, help kids endure internal feelings and learn:
  • “I can handle this.”
  • “I understand what I feel, what I need, what I want next.”
• Difficult ≠ wrong; it’s an opportunity to develop coping.

Recognize and interrupt 3 confidence-damaging patterns

1. Change the feeling too quickly

   • When a child says, “I’m bad at soccer,” avoid rushing to deny it or force positivity.
   • Teach that it’s okay to feel upset and still be okay as a person.

2. Change the outcome too quickly

   • Examples of outcome-fixing mentioned:
     • writing letters to get invited to things,
     • contacting teachers before trying to handle things,
     • shifting activities to avoid groups.
   • Dr. Becky’s main caution: constant outcome changes (even done “out of love”) can narrow a child’s ability to cope.

3. Make the outside louder than the inside

   • External metrics can hijack self-worth:
     • grades, friends’ opinions, social media likes/followers,
     • beauty, achievements, coaches/parents’ approval.
   • Goal: notice external feedback without making it the source of identity or self-worth.

Practical “what to do instead” at home

Before responding, ask yourself:

• “What am I trying to change right now?”
  • Am I trying to change the event?
  • Change the child’s feelings quickly?
  • Add external reassurance to make them feel better inside?

Then try responses that expand the child’s internal security:

• When they struggle at soccer:
  • Ask for details: “What happened at soccer practice?”
  • Validate desire/effort: “You really want to get there.”
• When they’re not invited:
  • Pause and listen rather than immediately fixing: “Oh—tell me more.”
• When they fear not making the team:
  • Offer steady reassurance without guarantees:
    • “No matter what happens, you remain the same wonderful child. We’ll cope together.”

Core message:

• Don’t force feelings away.
• Don’t guarantee outcomes.
• Don’t argue them into a different emotional state.
• Aim for another experience: “I can be myself and be okay right now.”

Build confidence through real experience (not lectures)

• Kids learn coping through repeated moments of not getting what they wanted—and watching themselves survive the discomfort.
• “You can’t teach this through lectures”—experience builds the internal “baggage” of trust.

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Presenter / Sources

• Dr. Becky (presenter)
• Carter’s (partner; source of survey + “Children’s Confidence Project” and free program mention)
• Good Inside (app; mentioned as additional free access)