How To Stop Limerence: Why You’re Obsessed With Someone Who Doesn’t Want You

Summary

The presenter describes limerence as an all-consuming fixation on someone who does not reciprocate. The fixation may be fueled less by the person themselves than by the hope that being chosen will prove you are lovable.

The video connects limerence with anxious attachment and unpredictable affection: occasional “breadcrumbs” can keep someone hoping and emotionally invested. It may also repeat familiar patterns of seeking love that felt conditional or unavailable earlier in life.

The presenter distinguishes limerence from mutual love, which involves both people’s feelings and consistent actions. Another person’s lack of romantic interest is not a measure of your worth. Moving forward can involve grieving the imagined relationship, facing loneliness rather than escaping into fantasy, and redirecting the care and energy spent chasing someone toward yourself and a life that feels safe and fulfilling.

Strategies and self-care techniques

• Treat the fixation as an obsession, not as proof of love. Notice phone-checking, mental loops, and imagined scenarios without taking them as evidence of a mutual relationship.
• Separate the real person from the fantasy. Let go of the version of them you imagined would eventually choose you.
• Challenge the belief that love must be earned through suffering. Ask why you expect to endure neglect or uncertainty to receive love.
• Accept non-reciprocation and step away. Seek relationships with people who show consistent interest and choose you back.
• Grieve the hoped-for relationship. Let yourself cry or feel anger, and allow the fantasy to collapse instead of protecting it.
• Turn care toward yourself. The presenter suggests writing yourself the poems you would write for them and making changes—such as dyeing your hair—for your own enjoyment rather than someone else’s approval.
• Build self-acceptance and a life that feels like home. Invest energy in feeling safe and fulfilled without needing another person to choose you.
• Practice sitting with loneliness. Make room to reconnect with yourself rather than filling the silence with fantasies about an unavailable person.

Presenters and sources

• Presenter: Bailey Schildbach
• Source cited: Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving