Study shows why people stay friends with their ex

Key wellness / self-care / relationship strategies from the video

Ask “Should we stay friends?” with a clear self-check

• Are you (or would you be) hurting too much to handle contact, or do the benefits outweigh the pain?
• Do you want friendship for healthy reasons (security/practical/civility) or for wishful/romantic reasons (unresolved feelings)?

If a partner is friends with an ex, reframe the concern

Instead of asking only “Is it a problem?”, evaluate:

• “Are there still romantic/sexual feelings?”

Choose friendship based on the reason (because outcomes differ)

More positive chances of working out

Staying friends can be more stable when the reasons are:

• Security (you don’t want to lose the bond)
• Practical reasons (shared logistics such as kids, shared circles, work, finances, or possessions)

More negative/unstable outcomes

Staying friends tends to be less stable when driven by:

• Unresolved romantic desires (still attracted, hope to get back together)

Mixed/less durable long-term

Staying friends due to civility may maintain the peace short-term, but may be less durable long-term.

Use attachment-awareness as a self-regulation tool

The video connects attachment styles to motivations and outcomes:

• Attachment insecurity (anxiety/avoidance) is associated with being more likely to stay friends with an ex.
• Secure attachment is associated with less incentive to remain friends.

Practical takeaway: If you notice anxious/avoidant patterns, pause and evaluate your motive (comfort/neediness vs. genuine closure).

Watch for “red flag” behaviors that suggest unresolved feelings

Signals mentioned include:

• Your partner name-drops the ex or compares you to them
• They’re defensive when you ask about the breakup or contact frequency
• They seem protective of boundaries in a way that feels like separation/secret-keeping
• They’re more likely to:
  • constantly text/hang out with the ex
  • rely on the ex for advice/confidant support that overlaps with your relationship
  • update the ex with information about you (or vice versa) in an unclear way

Major “signal” emphasized: You feel less secure—left wondering or without enough attention/affection.

Set boundaries around attention and emotional safety

A core self-care principle from the video:

If the situation makes you feel insecure, treat that as meaningful data and address it.

Give it time—closure can change the capacity for platonic contact

Staying platonic may become possible if:

• Enough time passes, and/or
• Something ruptures attraction (e.g., an event creates disgust or a strong negative association unrelated to fault), so romantic feelings truly fade.

Presenters / sources

• Presenter: Anna (clinical psychology doctoral candidate)
• Source mentioned: “the article” about the study (referenced, not named explicitly beyond being mentioned as linked in the description box)