Summary of "The Real Reason Why Women Act Hot And Cold During Divorce"

Key Wellness and Productivity Insights from the Video

The “hot and cold” behavior of an ex-wife during divorce is linked to her nervous system states, not intentional manipulation or confusion.
This behavior often triggers anxiety and hope in the other party, leading to emotional turmoil.

The brain operates in three parts during stressful times:

Healthy Self: Calm, grounded, joyful, able to empathize, with a balanced memory of the past and a clear vision for the future.
Survival Self: Activated during threat (fight, flight, or freeze), focused on immediate survival, with distorted memory and vision; defensive and protective.
Wounded Self: Holds old emotional wounds, often from childhood, which fuel the survival self’s protective behavior.

Hot and cold behavior corresponds to switching between the healthy self (calm, kind) and survival self (mean, cold, defensive).

When the ex-wife is kind or affectionate, she is in her healthy self — this does not necessarily mean reconciliation is desired, just a balanced state.
When she is cold or aggressive, she is in survival mode — this is a protective response, not a personal attack.
Understanding these states helps reduce personalizing the behavior and manage expectations.

Divorce activates the fight/flight/freeze response, causing physical and emotional symptoms such as anxiety, rage, withdrawal, and difficulty focusing.
These symptoms are physiological, not simply mental or emotional issues.
Learning to regulate the nervous system is essential for:
- Reducing emotional rollercoasters
- Managing intrusive thoughts
- Being present with children
- Performing well at work
- Making sound decisions
- Moving forward in life post-divorce

It is best to engage in discussions (e.g., about custody or settlement) when the ex-wife is in her healthy self (calm and grounded).
Trying to change her nervous system state is not feasible; focus on timing and your own regulation instead.

Recognize and accept that hot/cold behavior reflects nervous system states, not personal judgments.
Avoid personalizing or blaming yourself for the ex’s behavior.
Use moments when she is calm to communicate effectively.
Prioritize learning nervous system regulation techniques to manage your own stress and emotional responses.
Seek resources or programs (like the presenter’s master class) focused on nervous system regulation during divorce.