Summary of 5 Reasons Avoidants Can’t Get Over You (No Matter What They Say)
The video explains five psychological and biochemical reasons why avoidant attachment style individuals struggle to get over past partners, no matter what they claim. These reasons reveal insights into attachment dynamics, emotional processing, and relationship patterns, offering useful concepts for understanding and managing difficult breakups or avoidant behaviors.
Key Wellness and Relationship Insights
- Reason 1: The Broken Bone Theory
- Breakups activate brain areas associated with physical pain.
- Avoidants experience a delayed emotional pain response because they suppress feelings to avoid vulnerability.
- Over time, avoidants romanticize the relationship by focusing on peak positive memories and ignoring negative ones (peak-end rule).
- The breakup pain ("broken bone feeling") only hits after enough space and time apart.
- Anxious partners often prevent avoidants from processing loss by not giving them space, which blocks emotional reconnection.
- Tip: Implementing no-contact or giving space is crucial for avoidants to process emotions and potentially feel regret or nostalgia.
- Reason 2: Biochemistry Keeps Them Hooked on Dopamine
- Avoidants are biologically wired to resist deep bonding due to a cortisol (stress) reaction triggered by oxytocin (bonding hormone).
- They crave dopamine hits from attention, validation, and the "chase," leading to boredom in stable relationships.
- This dopamine pattern creates a unique biochemical imprint tied to the relationship, making it hard to fully move on.
- Even if avoidants seek new partners, they retain a "phantom" craving for the dopamine pattern shared with the ex.
- Reason 3: The Frankenstein X Phenomenon
- Avoidants create an idealized "Frankenstein X" — a composite of the best traits from all past partners.
- This unattainable ideal prevents them from fully moving on or returning to any one person realistically.
- They compare new partners to this impossible standard, keeping past partners permanently "in their head" but only as idealized fragments.
- Reason 4: Seeing Them Without Their Magician’s Cloak
- Avoidants wear a "Magician’s Cloak" — a facade they show the world to protect their vulnerability.
- Moments when they shed this cloak and reveal deep vulnerability are rare and memorable.
- These vulnerable moments create a powerful emotional imprint that lingers long after the relationship ends.
- Tip: Recognize that these moments of vulnerability are significant and create deep emotional connections that are hard to forget.
- Reason 5: The Emotional Time Capsule Effect
- Avoidants compartmentalize emotions, locking them away like a time capsule.
- State-dependent memory means emotional states trigger recall of memories tied to those states.
- Avoidants get stuck in a repetitive "death wheel" cycle of relationship stages and breakup stages.
- This cycle repeatedly pulls up memories of past partners tied to emotional states, making it hard to truly move on.
- Tip: Understanding this cycle can empower you to decide whether to remain part of it or break free for your own healing.
Practical Takeaways for Self-Care, Wellness, and Productivity in Relationships
- Give space and time after breakups, especially with avoidants, to allow emotional processing.
- Use the no-contact rule strategically to help both parties gain clarity and emotional distance.
- Recognize the biochemical and psychological hooks (dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol) that influence attachment behaviors.
- Be aware of idealization tendencies (Frankenstein X) and avoid unrealistic comparisons in new relationships.
- Value and honor moments of vulnerability as deep emotional connections, but also recognize their fleeting nature.
- Understand emotional cycles and state-dependent memory to avoid getting trapped in unhealthy relationship patterns.
- Decide consciously whether to stay in a cyclical pattern or to break free for personal growth and healing.
Presenters / Sources
- Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Authors of Attached)
- Brownell Landrum (Commenter and researcher on attachment biochemistry)
- Video creator/host (unnamed in transcript, presenting theories such as "Broken Bone Theory," "Magician’s Cloak," "Frankenstein X," and "Emotional Time Capsule")
Category
Wellness and Self-Improvement