Summary of "What Can a Married Couple Do and NOT DO in Their Bedroom: Selfishness, Dignity and Other Factors"

Summary — What married couples can and cannot do in the marriage bed

This document summarizes the key points, practical guidance, and spiritual context from a talk on sexual morality in marriage. It organizes the core principles, concrete “do” and “don’t” rules, pastoral guidance, common Q&A takeaways, practical lifestyle tips, and referenced resources.

Core principles emphasized

Human dignity: every sexual act must respect the person as made in God’s image. Dignity and charity (self-gift) are the foundation for sexual morality.
Marriage vows: marriage is a total, 100% gift of self. Anything that intentionally blocks that self-gift undermines the marriage sign.
Openness to life: sexual acts in marriage should be ordered toward the possibility of parenthood (even if pregnancy is unlikely).
Spiritual aim: marriage’s vocation is sanctification — spouses help one another become saints; the sexual life is a microcosm of the whole marriage.

Practical “do” and “don’t” rules (summary and explanations)

Treat your spouse with dignity, respect, and self-giving love in every sexual act.
Use foreplay and affectionate, non-sexual intimacy (holding, kissing, caressing) to love and care for your spouse — these are especially important to women.
Use external stimulation (including instruments) to help a spouse reach climax only within the context of the marital act and when it is dignified and consensual, observing important limits:
- The final ejaculation must be vaginal to constitute the completed marital act.
- External stimulation cannot be a standalone sexual act (that would be masturbation).
- If sexual activity begins on a night when intercourse is not intended, couples may go partway but must stop before vaginal ejaculation (and generally before the wife reaches orgasm if intercourse won’t be completed).
Be cautious about sexual practices (oral, anal, extreme acts) — even when technically permissible, consider whether they respect the spouse’s dignity and cause no harm.
Practice self-discipline and charity (for example, Natural Family Planning rather than contraception) if sterilization or past choices have created selfish dispositions.

Don’t

Don’t use contraception: it intentionally blocks the total gift of self and turns the act toward selfishness rather than love (the Church’s teaching presented is that contraceptive use is morally wrong).
Don’t treat the sexual act as mere personal gratification or as a right to do anything to obtain children; openness to life must be respected.
Don’t use pornography: it violates dignity, breaks marital vows, drives selfish lust, and is described as a mortal sin (especially when involving minors or coercion).
Don’t masturbate (including masturbatory acts involving another person outside the completed marital act); masturbation is sinful when it substitutes for self-giving intercourse.
For unmarried couples: all sexual acts are forbidden. Even passionate kissing and progressive sexual behavior are considered morally wrong because sexual acts are ordered toward intercourse and marriage.
Don’t pursue IVF or surrogacy: these are presented as morally impermissible because they treat children as objects/commodities and involve other moral evils (laboratory fertilization, destruction of embryos, third‑party use of bodies).

Pastoral, spiritual, and relational guidance

If a spouse has been unfaithful (porn, selfish sexual behavior, etc.), the injured spouse is not guilty for the other’s sin; confession and conversion are called for.
Even in cases of abandonment or civil divorce (in a sacramental marriage), spouses are called to fidelity to vows; prayer life and sacramental/spiritual supports are essential.
The sexual life is a test/indicator of the whole marriage: selfishness in the bedroom typically reflects selfishness across the relationship; conversely, self-giving in intimacy fosters holiness.
Prayer, sacramental life, and conversion are central: God provides grace for married life; couples should pursue holiness together.
On the afterlife: earthly marriage “ends” at death in terms of matrimonial status, but persons and relationships are recognized in heaven; souls will know one another more perfectly in God.

Concrete Q&A takeaways

Is external stimulation allowed? Yes — if it’s within the marital intercourse context, dignified, and does not substitute for the completed vaginal ejaculation.
Is foreplay allowed? Yes — foreplay and fondling are permitted anytime for married couples; they are forbidden outside marriage.
Is oral/anal sex allowed? The talk characterizes these practices as potentially morally permissible but to be judged by whether they honor the spouse’s dignity; many priests discourage degrading or harmful practices.
Pornography: always wrong — violates dignity, marriage vows, and often involves exploitation.
Sterilization (hysterectomy, vasectomy): these do not change the requirement of charity and openness of disposition; sexual acts still need to respect marital self-gift.
IVF and surrogacy: morally wrong because the child becomes a product and conception is divorced from a loving conjugal act.

Practical lifestyle and relational tips

Prioritize tenderness, romance, and emotional intimacy — these matter greatly and often more to women.
Know your bodies and boundaries: understand what will create arousal you cannot stop and plan intimacy accordingly (save certain behaviors for nights you intend intercourse).
If wounded by sexual sins of the spouse, seek confession, pastoral guidance, and work toward conversion rather than retaliation.
Teach and model chastity and human dignity to children and young people; recognize cultural pressures (hookup culture, pornography) and counter them with formation.

Notable people, locations, and resources referenced

Speakers: Father Robert Aler (priest; author of God’s Plan for Your Marriage), Dr. Christine (host of “Breakfast with Bacon”).
Father Aler’s parish locations referenced: Minnesota; St. Augustine and Holy Trinity (Enunciation mentioned).
Conferences/websites: “Disrupting the Culture with Truth” conference; TruthSpeak / truthspeak.org (Truth Speakers Conference — Virginia Beach reference); CatholicParentsOnline (homilies and talks posted).
Resource/book: God’s Plan for Your Marriage (Father Robert Aler).
Show: Breakfast with Bacon (host Dr. Christine Bacon).

Sexual morality in marriage, as presented here, is framed around human dignity, absolute self-gift in the marital vows, and openness to life; the sexual life is both a sign and instrument of spouses’ mutual sanctification.